One day, I woke up, and nothing seemed the same anymore. This came as a result of a pivotal event that changed the course of my life forever. My wake-up call was the devastating loss of two very special people in my life within one week. When these two special souls passed away, I blacked out all the trauma at the time. I was surprised by how stable I appeared externally and how much I felt in acceptance internally, or at least that’s what I believed at the time. I justified this as a preventive mechanism to avoid a crash during this sad time. Despite the traumatic event, a peaceful sense of surrender prevailed in my existence, which I identified as divine help.

I managed to shut down and turn off my feelings to avoid an emotional crash from April 2021 up to February 2022. I always had a delayed reaction to major changes in my life. However, during this period, I was falling apart or already had fallen apart. I relied on my “willpower” and a combination of the “ego-body-mind survival toolkit” to navigate life. I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. Existence didn’t make sense to me. I controlled my facial and body muscles by force. If I let go, I would start shaking. I felt congested, squeezed in a tight, uncomfortable vessel “my body” that needed constant effort to stay still. It was a draining and horrible situation.

At the same time, my life force was fading. The commentator in my head kept repeating, “Dead woman walking.” I started questioning the point of proceeding forward, evaluating my entire life, and asking every existential question imaginable. I used to believe I didn’t matter, and that happiness would come at the end. My sense of self-worth was so low that I just drifted through life, ignoring my feelings and assuming they didn’t matter. But the departure of these two special souls gave me a sense of urgency that I had to change my mindset urgently; there was no time. And the voice volume of the commentator in my head became louder, and I could hear it clearly saying, “You are a failure, you achieved nothing in life.” In February 2022, I stopped working from my office and began working from home. While this shift felt discouraging after 22 years of routine, it turned out to be the best thing for me. I stepped off the treadmill of trying to fit in and fulfill expectations that weren’t mine. For the first time, I started to focus on my wellbeing and reevaluate my life.

From April 2021 up until January 2024, my whole life as I knew it got dismantled and brought to the zero point, to the basic me. It was a chapter of venturing into the unknown, standing in the middle of nowhere. One day I felt good and clear; other days, I felt lost and was seeking solutions, all with the goal of just living a normal, happy life and being comfortable in my body. I went on “A Walk through the Void journey” trying to find answers to my questions, trying to reach somewhere or anywhere. I consumed tons of podcasts and read many books related to answering the Infinite Questions, most were part of the resistance or fear of change, and only a few were necessary. I learned many things, including that things happen to you when you no longer need them. I also learned that I have to let life unfold without my interference or attempts to control it. Either way, life will unfold, and my resistance would only make me miserable and complicate my journey.

In January 2024, inspired by my son’s small painting for a friend, I felt an overwhelming urge to paint. When I painted, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I remembered the joy of lying on my stomach as a child to draw and color. I asked myself, “Why did it take so long to return to the one thing that made you happy as a child? Why did you move so far away from this child?”

Then, in March 2024, Hariprasad visited my city, and we met for coffee. Before the meeting, I thought, “What will you tell Hariprasad? You’re still in this unknown zone!” But another thought said, “You don’t need to prepare what to say; just be and listen.” During our conversation, I shared my paintings with him, and he suggested, “Why don’t you doodle?” I thought, “Is doodling a thing?” I had always loved doodling but never imagined someone might appreciate it. This spontaneous meeting energized me and rekindled my inner child.

That same day, I went home, explored the world of doodling as an industry, and created my first doodle. The experience was both joyful and liberating. Doodling and painting soon became the highlights of my days, a way to reconnect with myself and express my emotions. They transformed into my refuge and a celebration of life.

Rania

Dreamer in Lines and Color